Too Posh To Poop

...or just plain terrified.

For many blissful years we lived with a separate but equal bathroom policy. We did everything in front of each other, except for that.

Let's face it. Women DO do Number Two (I cringe as I write this and I will also vehemently deny it once this post is up). I don't want to talk about it, but I fear I must because no one else does, and it was such a terribly unexpected part of my recovery.  My doctor never mentioned this, neither did the birthing coach.  So discuss it we must.

The only time we actually don't do it is post-delivery. And that's not because we don't have to, it's because we don't want to. Imagine you have just pushed out a baby - do you want to know what your body feels like afterwards?

I'll tell you.

Imagine taking a cheese grater to your nether regions, pulling out some innards, and perhaps taking on a few stitches along the way. Yes, it sounds bloody awful, I know. But everything down there is Bombs over Baghdad. It IS awful.  You can also imagine that any sort of pressure down there after this is a fearsome, horrible thing.

We can barely bring ourselves to sit on the toilet, let alone DO anything there. I tentatively approached the bathroom only when my body desperately needed to go, perched gently on the seat and squeezed my eyes shut, praying my body wanted to keep it all in.

But that isn't the way we function, sadly. What goes in must come out. It took days. I needed those days just to re-learn how to pee.

When the function that shall not be named (POOP!!! POOP!!!) finally did need to make an appearance I thought I was dying. No I'm not being dramatic...DYING! I was in pain giving birth all over again. I felt light-headed and saw dark spots swimming before my eyes. I had visions of Andy finding me indecorously slumped on the marble floor, stretched out used-to-be-cute undies around my ankles with my loose track pants pooling at my feet. I don't even want to talk about the thought of popped stitches (shudder)!

I called to him. Okay, truth be told, I screamed for him to come and sit with me. He might have held my hand, perplexed at what was going on.

We have never been closer.

There is and was an easy solution to my hard, er, difficult, problem. The next day he came home and gently placed a tiny little bottle in front of me. Colace? What was this?

"The doctor had mentioned you might want to take this to...um...help."

What was this tiny little red capsule going to help me with?  I couldn't imagine this bottle actually contained magic.

It worked. It was almost a...pleasure...to make the trip to the loo. I no longer feared that cold bathroom, or that hard seat.  The embarrassment of having broken the golden rule of our marriage thus far remained (remains) but you know, it was time to break down barriers.

Now if you see me walking down the street please don't pause to chat; I don't want to look any of you in the eye. You know too much. 

Shit Happens. 

Paranormal Activity

I seem to have developed preternatural hearing.

I swear, even in my deepest sleep, I can distinguish between the roar of the air-conditioner, Hudson’s snuffles, and the telling mini-creak of the floorboards when tiny feet carry my sleepy toddler into my room so we can all “be to-ge-ther”. At the sound of him approaching I usually get up and am ready to escort him back to his room, no matter what the time.

Recently, he has become something of a master negotiator. First he tried perseverance. After the fifth visit to my room, I could see him smiling every time I led him back to his bed. He knew he was just going to give it 10 minutes and try again. He knew he would break me in a battle of wills. Toddlers are not to be screwed with. They will make you PAY.   Now he tells me in a surprisingly clear voice “I just wanna lie down in your bed a LITTLE BIT…” It’s 3 a.m. and I’ve done the dance between our rooms 7 times already. I want to cry. Or laugh. I’m not sure if I’m super proud of him or if I hate him just a little bit. But I’m hardly likely to argue with him. There’s no reasoning with a toddler. Smart SOB.

I KNOW if I bring him to bed, I stand no chance against his hard little fists and fidgety legs. It’s really cute to feel his tiny hand across my throat in the morning, but it’s a bit alarming in the middle of the night. Once the sun rises, a sweet little foot on my back is adorable. But not ALL. NIGHT. LONG. And not when that foot ends up in my pajama bottoms (Sorry for getting mad at you, husband), and not when I have to listen to an accompanying chorus of Andy harrumphing in annoyance (it seems our little guy likes to furiously rub his feet on a hairy chest). Hey, if you’re willing to get up and put him back in his room - go for it! Yay Papi! No? Oh, well then. Stop your near-silent judgement and move over.

Lately though, since the baby came along, my abilities have diminished. I can’t discern if the sounds I’m hearing are from Andy (who sleeps with a pillow over his face as insurance against all child-led noise), or from Hudson, who has a habit of choosing the dead of night to continuously lick his paws/drag his face across the carpet/bark at phantom intruders. Or is it the new baby, who has some weird sleep snort thing going on, which I’m obsessed with? All this has me feeling insecure in my powers, and I find myself randomly sitting up multiple times a night, making sure I know which sounds are coming from every creature in the room.

Among the normal cacophony on any given night, the toddler’s nocturnal visits have become a little creepy. I haven’t been able to hear him approaching at all. I must be so sleep deprived that I faint and miss the telltale creaks. Sometimes I open my eyes and he’s just…there. Like last night, when he went all Paranormal Activity on me. It was the middle of the night, I was fast asleep but I felt my skin prick…like someone was watching me. I opened my eyes, saw him looming ominously over me, and screamed! A second later, I realized it was just my child, silently staring. My harmless, loveable three-year-old. Not a demon hell-bent on torturing me (although one could argue that they are one and the same). Nonplussed by my scream, he proceeded with the business at hand.

“I want to sweep wit you.”

“You can’t, let’s go back to your bed.”

“But I want to SWEEP wit you.”

“I know baby, let me cuddle you in your bed”

“But I just came to cuddle you in YOUR bed.”

Since I never heard him coming into my room, I didn’t get out of bed. Hence, I was attempting to negotiate with this sharp-minded individual (who really should be wearing pin-striped pajamas) from the drowsy warmth of my cozy duvet and pillow-top mattress. Hardly a position of power. My sleep threatening to leave me at any second, I hastily agreed and moved aside. I wonder if tonight he’ll just lie there and be still. Yes! Tonight he’ll be fine! I’m so optimistic I’m starting to feel giddy. Fool.

Up I get to fetch his little toddler pillow and his TeddyCat (it’s neither a Teddybear, nor a Cat. It is, in fact, a dog. But he refuses to believe me and so we have the first hybrid-cuddly toy ever. Doing great things for the Trans (species) community since 2012). Upon my return, I find he has made himself very comfortable on my down-filled Frette pillow and is already sleeping peacefully. On my side of the bed.

Andy doesn’t even know he’s in here (or he’s pretending like he doesn’t know). I can’t very well leave! Or maybe I can. Toddler pillow in hand, TeddyCat in the other, I use my foot to push the baby bassinet into the other room and tuck myself into the twin bed.

Best night’s sleep I’ve had in ages.

5 Beauty Products for the Sleep Deprived New Mom

After reading 5 Beauty Tips for the Sleep Deprived New Mom, a lot of people reached out inquiring about which products I use for each tip in the post. Read on for my go-to brands and products...

Tip 1 - Flesh-toned Eyeliner: Many people use white eyeliner to line their lower lash lines, but this just looks really odd. A skin-toned liner pops just enough to brighten, but not enough to fake you out.  I LOVE Nars Larger Than Life Eyeliner in Rue Bonaparte. Yes, paying $25 for an eyeliner that looks like your actual skin seems a bit stupid, but a.) it works, and b.) I just replaced mine after 3 years of almost daily wear, so it is WELL worth it!

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Tip 2 - Eyelash Curlers: Since I first found out there was a contraption to prettify my short, stubby lashes I have used Shu Umuera's eyelash curler. It's available worldwide and lasts a really long time. It comes with 2 pads (supposedly to use for 6 months each but I've had each one last for years before having to buy a new curler.) I literally will not leave my house to walk my dog in the dead of night without curled eyelashes. Seriously.

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Tip 3 - Dark Sunglasses: I like wearing the shaded versions as much as the next stylista, but my absolute GO-TO sunglasses are always the darkest of the lot. I can't handle my morning drop-offs without my pitch-black Chanels. Hey, If Karl Lagerfeld won't be seen without them, neither will I. Plus, like I mentioned before - I need them to check out what everyone else is wearing on the school run, Duh. Does it make me seem standoffish, and keep people away? Yes. Just what I want early in the morning. Save the "Hi, how are you's?" for your barista at Payard. Just kidding, talk to me! I'm actually super-nice usually sometimes if I'm in the mood. Mine are about 5 years old and due for retirement, so I'm currently crushing on these MiuMiu ones.

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Tip 4 - Bright Lips: Just stop reading, go to Sephora or Barneys or Saks and buy just about every color of these Nars Lip Pencils. I could write an entire post solely on how much I love these. There are tons of shades in 3 different finishes (Satin, Velvet Matte, and Gloss) and they are UH-MAZING. Easy to stash in your pocket, diaper bag, or wallet. The only thing that would make me love these more is if they came with a built in sharpener, like the eyeliners do. My all-time favourite is Dragon Girl. It's a wearable poppy-red which - no joke- suits ANY skin tone. I have at least 3 at home. Other colors in my daily rotation are Mexican Rose, Yu, and Hopi (a glossy tan; very unlike me and my love of bright lips but very flattering for those sun-kissed, just came back with great colour from the French Riveria, days). I only wear that one during or immediately following a sunny vacation, like when wearing bright lips with a deep tan would look a little...Miami-Geriatric-chic. Not the look we are going for.

Tip 5 - Dry Shampoo: Klorane all the way, baby. It's soft, smells good, and I like that it also comes in a dark version so it doesn't look powdery on my hair. Sometimes I forget to use this, and when I catch sight of my greasy mane in the elevator mirror I am fully mortified. But at least my eyelashes are curled and my lips are painted. And I'm wearing shades so you can't see the panic in my eyes when you try to talk to me.

I'm kind-of invisible. Maybe I'm Batman.

Probably not, but in re-reading this post, I do seem terribly vain! Whatever, get-up-and-go has never been my style! And I prefer to look like I really belong in the world outside, even though I spend a fair amount of my time in my apartment, playing with Hot Wheels and trying to stop my toddler from itching his butthole right after I wash his hands. See? You can't blame me for wanting to remember what I looked like B.C.!  

Do you have any products you can't leave the house without using? Share! 

*Please note that these are products I actually use. I haven't been compensated for my recommendations, nor am I paid for the links included in the post above.*